A Mother's Story

I have never ever spoken about my HIV and it had been hard.
I was living a normal life I married when I was 18 years old. But it all started before that when I lost my virginity at the age of 16. I had slept with him only once. Today I realize that, that was all he ever wanted and I have never seen him again after that. I knew him quite well since we were supposed to be good friends. Our friendship went too far when we stepped over certain codes one night, after that we simply lost contact.

Soon I got married and had two kids. I got pregnant again in 1996. I went into labor for half an hour. He was the best baby any mother could ever have; he just ate and slept peacefully. When he was three months old he had a cold, so I took him to the doctors just to make sure he was ok. But something was not right and his cold was persistent I kept taking him back. I went back three times and was accused of being over protective. But I knew there was something terribly wrong so I insisted that he get admitted into the hospital immediately. They put him in the ward where he had an RSV. On the third day he collapsed and that’s when things started going haywire. The doctors did not know what could possibly be wrong with him, they asked me so many questions and gave him an equal number of tests. After a while everything seemed normal. But he was still on a ventilator for up to six weeks while tests were conducted on him. They even gave him a lung biopsy, which came back declaring PCP. I have never heard of it. The doctors said it could be cancer or HIV. I was so sure it was cancer not in my wildest imagination did I think that I could be positive. The tests were conducted and my nightmares started. I was confirmed positive, I was HIV+ and my baby had AIDS. I was terrified.

My husband and my other kids were tested – but they came back clear which was a huge relief but I was told my baby would die. He did come off the ventilator and I took him home with lots of medication waiting for him to die. But to the doctor's amazement and my greatest joy he survived and today he is 8 years old. I still worry about what might happen to him in the future and will live in guilt and blame myself for what he is going through. We need to go for checkups and medication every three months. I’m helpless about the future but I have decided to live one day at a time. Sometimes I realize how blessed I am to have three loving kids. I still think about the past when I was sixteen, and I wish I could undo the day I slept with my friend who is now dead. I learned of his death quite recently. I don’t know why this happened to me or if anything good could ever happen out of this but I truly hope that if there is a person in a similar situation, I hope this story may strengthen you and reach you in your moment of need.